Rather than actually write anything on my website, I think I'll just paste lyrics from songs that have some vague relation to the topic at hand. And so, here are my deep, meaningful thoughts on the War in Iraq:

Bombs over Baghdad

1, 2... 1, 2, 3; yeah!
Inslumnational, underground
Thunder pounds when I stomp the ground (Woo!)
Like a million elephants or silverback orangutans
You can't stop a train
Who want some? Don't come un-pre-pared
I'll be there, but when I leave there
Better be a household name
Weather man tellin' us it ain't gon' rain
So now we sittin' in a drop-top soakin' wet
In a silk suit tryin' not to sweat
Hittin' somersaults without the net
But this'll be the year that we won't forget
One-nine-nine-nine Ano Domini anything goes,
be what you wanna be
Long as you know consequences are given for livinī defenses
The fence is too high to jump in jail
Too low to dig, I might just touch hell
Hot! Get a life now, they on sale
Then I might cast you a spell,
look at what came in the mail,
A scale and some Arm and Hammer,
soul gold grill and a baby m`ama
Black Cadillac and a pack of pampers,
stack of questions with no answers
Cure for cancer, cure for AIDS
Make a nigga wanna stay on tour for days
Get back home, thangs are wrong
We're not really it was bad all along
Before you left, adds up to a ball of power
Thoughts at a thousand miles per hour
Hello, ghetto, let your brain breathe,
Believe there's always mo
Owwww!

Don't pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!
Yeah! Ha ha yeah!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Don't pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!
Yeah! Ha ha yeah!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Uno, dos, tres, it's on
Did you ever think a pimp rock a microphone
Like that there boy and we still stay street
Big things happen everytime we meet
Like a track team, crack fiend, dyin' to geek
Outkast bumpin' up and down the street
Slant back, Cadillac, 'bout five niggas deep
Seventy-five mc's freestylin' to the beat
Cause we get crunk, stay drunk, at the club
Should have bought an ounce, but you copped a dub
Should have held back, but cha threw the punch
'Spose to meet your girl but cha packed a lunch
No D to-the U to-the G for you
Got a son on the way by the name of Bamboo
Got a little baby girl four year, Jordan
Never turn my back on my kids, there for them
Should have hit it, quit it, rag top
Before you RE up, get a laptop
Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals
Make a fat diamond out of dusty coals
Record number four, but we on the road
Hold up, slow up, stop, control
Like Janet, planet Stankonias on ya
Movin' like floyd comin' straight to Florida
Lock all your windows then block the corridors
Pullin' off my belt cause a whippins in order
I like a three-piece fish before I cut your daughter
Yo quiero Taco Bell, then i hit the border
Pity pat rappers tryin' to get the five
I'm a microphone fiend tryin' to stay alive
When you come to A-T-L boy you better not hide
Cause the Dungeon Family gone ride
High!

Don't pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!
Yeah! Ha ha yeah!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Don't pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!
Yeah! Ha ha yeah!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

Bombs Over Baghdad! Yeah!

B-I-G, B-O-I
An-An-Andre
To the T-O-P

Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.
Bob your head. Rag top.

1,2...1,2,3,4 Gimme some

Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.
Power music. Electric revival.

Can America face the wrath of one of it's own?

Wow man. That was deep. I mean Shit! That had nothing to do with anything! And yet, for some reason, the song's been deemed inappropriate for play for the duration of the war. I guess the issue's just too raw for Bob your head, Rag Top.

So the US is using dolphins to find sea mines, and specially trained monkeys to detonate landmines. While I don't necessarily disagree with this, How do you train a monkey to detonate land mines?

Do you give it a banana every time it blows itself up? My guess is they're not so much using specially trained anti-landmine monkeys, so much as throwing cratefuls of regular, normal, non-explosion proof monkeys, into mine fields. "Cratefuls of non-explosion proof monkeys" would make a kickass name for a band.

This article scares the crap out of me, and should cause fear in everyone who reads it. In case you're too lazy to click the link, or it inevitably disappears before anyone reads this, one of the US Marine's super-dolphins has "Gone AWOL".

"The US Marines have suffered an embarrassment with reports last night that one of their most prized investigators may have defected."

I'll repeat that, in case, like me, you assumed it was a typo. Believed defected. Defected. One of the Dolphins has switched sides! But Iraq doesn't have much of a navy, so I would imagine Takoma is going to end up in a tank.

So far most of the Allied casualties seem to have been caused by Americans shooting down friendly helicopters, or rogue American soldiers who don't support the war effort. But now that the dolphins are defecting, it's going to get a lot worse, fast. Quick George! Bring your boys home before the Pandas take up arms. No one will think badly of you for it, who could've predicted Cetacean attack? Or that *gasp* Iraqis might resist?

Time for more fun with awful videogames courtesy of me.

A game so awful, so absolutely horrible, that none have played it, and lived to tell the tale.

Actually, noone's played it, cuz it seems it finally got cancelled, thereby preventing me from fulfilling my lifelong dream of murdering my family in response to this clear evidence that Satan indeed existed, and was working for Sega.

Picture it, if you will. I was miserably happily going through my first year of highschool. You all, were not. Or most of you. Hell, I don't know when you went to highschool, so just shut up, I wasn't talking to you. Between dates I had some time to fill, and rather than actually do any assigned work, I turned to videogames.

Despite appearances to the contrary, this box does not, in fact, exist.

Sega, in their genius, realized that a 64-colour game system clearly needed more space than was available in ROM form, on account of the huge amount of storage space needed to store "Black" or "Black #2" or "Black #2 horribly dithered with Black". Besides, being the visionaries that they've always been, Sega could see the writing on the wall. New technologies were coming down the pipe that would forever transform the videogaming experience. No, not the Interactor ("You too can look like an absolute fuckwit and have your ass handed to you Street Fighter because this is the absolute worst controller that will ever be invented -- at least until the XBox ships") but the one great technology that still completely dominates videogames now, and will forever.

64-colour, 15fps, 180*150 pixel FULL MOTION VIDEO.¹

I can think of at least three and a half million people who Absolute Entertainment should have made videogames about before these two.

So, being the lonely, pathetic, snivelling worm popular guy that I was, I dreamed of the amazing possibilities of this new medium. I could play games where I didn't actually have any say in how things went! I could splice random footage of completely INSANE CRAP together, and set it all to Kris Kross tracks! I could waste $300 I didn't have on an expansion for a dying system that was almost certainly going to fail! So instead I got laid and stoned read about it instead.

Now, few would argue that more than a handful of not-horrible games came out for SegaCD. Lunar was one of them. Lunar 2 was the other one.

But I'm not here to mock good games. I'm here to mock the oh-so-much-more-fun-to-mock bad games. And though the Kris Kross, C&C Music Factory and (Sweet god why are they on this list?) Depeche Mode 'video editor' 'games' weren't 'fun', they aren't the target of ridicule today.

No sir, today I'm going to make fun of Penn & Teller: Smoke and Mirrors.

The premise of the game, as far as I've been able to determine, was to make you never want to play a game again. Consisting of nothing more than a series of mini-games, each sounded more painful than the last. There was a crappy platformer. With "actual voice samples of Penn & Teller". Actual...voice...samples...of Penn...and Teller? Now, I'll admit to being a Penn & Teller fan...readily and willingly. But I don't want to hear Penn grunt every time I jump over a rat (after all, this was at a time when every game had rats in it)...and if I'm playing as Teller...

HOW CAN A GAME HAVE ACTUAL VOICE SAMPLES OF A MUTE????? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHO IS FACED WITH A NEW TECHNOLOGY LIKE DIGITAL AUDIO SAMPLING AND RUNS OUT TO SIGN A DEAL WITH A GODDAMNED MUTE? Did Rick Dyer, faced with the possibilities of LaserDiscs, rush out and make a text adventure?

One particular mini-game sounded especially painful.

The Bus.

Google decided that this picture pertained to my search for Penn & Teller. Luckily these Kitties were ADOPTED, not ABORTED, which was how I first read it.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to drive a bus from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. On a completely and utterly straight highway. Through a desert. With no scenery. And the same telephone poles 'scrolling' past every 80 feet. And it actually takes 6 hours to make this drive. And just to make sure noone got smart and just taped down the B button, the bus ever so slightly veered to the right. So you'd have to correct the steering every minute or two. And the big pay off for this misery? At some random time (Say, 4 hours, 37 minutes into the drive) a bug splattered on the screen. And when you reached Vegas, it said "You drove to Vegas".

Now, this is all what I've been able to gather from previews I read way back when. The game never actually came out (or at least it seems that way). But since it's now quite late, and I'm out of sad tales of my first year of highschool (at least for now) and it's cold in my room, and I'm tired, and this sentence is running on forever, and it started with the word but, and I forget why that's wrong grammatically, but I do know that it is wrong, just like if it had started with because, and my feet are itchy, and my eyes are dry, and i'm not a happy camper, and i'm worried that I might accidently end this run-on sentence with a preposition, because noone ever really taught me grammar, or whatever prepositions are, so it's hard to avoid using them, just like it's hard to avoid using pot when everyone tells you how great oregano is to smoke, only you don't know what oregano is, and so for all those reasons I think I'll end this awful article.

It was good. Very good. Maybe I'll write more later. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.

Yee-ha.

The short version of the story is, mostly in his room. Yes, the tiny cell you see in the Webcam has contained me and my homicidal rages for the last 2 months. I could lie and say that I spent all of those two months redesigning the site, and it's only now that I've completed it.

I Could.

I won't though. 95% of the redesign was finished January 31^st. Then I got struck with a horrible case of being a lazy bastard.

According to the Chinese, I will die alone. Possibly while masturbating. I hate the Chinese.

The rest of the redesign was done on March 7^th. Though as the placeholder site said, I just haven't done anything recently that was worth writing about.

I still haven't.

On the other hand, I have this site ready to go, and it seemed a waste to just leave it festering, like a boil on an old man's neck. Only on my hard drive, not an old man's neck. And the site doesn't seem much like a boil now that I think about it.

Learn your Ninja Clan at the Ninja Burger website.

There's still a lot to do before everything I've actually done for the site over the last 2 months actually goes online. Very little will actually be original content, at least not for most of the people coming to my site. For the roughly 10,000 people still coming to my site looking for tongue-piercing pictures, those'll be back up ASAP. Maybe I'll even take some new pics to prove that eventually it stopped bleeding, and the swelling eventually went down to the point where I don't have to suck on popsicles, and no longer speak with a lisp.

And the biggest reason I did this redesign still isn't working, but mostly because I refuse to sit down and actually code it. Oddly, Netscape supports it natively, Opera doesn't and Internet Explorer will probably be a pain to get working exactly right. And it might not be possible to do so without resorting to Javascript.

Speaking of browsers sucking, I'm thoroughly angry at lack of decent support for .PNG in IE PC. If the Mac IE team can get it working, why can't the PC team?

And I'm working on the whole doing-something-worth-writing-about thing. I swear.

And though I've recommended it elsewhere, The Flaming Lips' Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots is the most interesting titled, and just plain interesting album I've heard in months. Though Matthew Good's Avalanche is great too.